We will find you cowardly iPhone internet people and run you over with our special police scooters.



Regular readers of the Merle Wayne Sneed blog, and there are a few, know that Merle Wayne hates the traffic cameras. Not because I fear being caught by one, because I don't. It has been many, many years since my last moving violation.

The problem with law enforcement is that they think they are operating in our best interest and mostly they are. But, and this is a big but, they believe that if a little enforcement is good, a lot of enforcement is better.

I was amused to see that Washington, D.C. police chief, Cathy Lanier is pissing and moaning that some people are using their iPhone and some internet application to either avoid the areas where traffic cameras are in the D.C. area or adjusting their behavior to avoid being caught in the speed traps.

She called these iPhone people cowardly. That sounds a bit like a tantrum to me.

Imagine this. Some people slow down when they know there are speed traps around. Isn't that the idea? Instead of cowards, these folks sound like the sort of drivers Washington, D.C. needs more of. Unless it is really the money you need.




Things in this blog represented to be fact, may or may not actually be true. The writer is frequently wrong, sometimes just full of it, but always judgmental and cranky

Fellow blogger Mr. Kurt, is doing a series of posts on the life and times of Mr. Ringo Starr.

Not many people know that Mr. Lorne Greene chronicled his own struggles with the wily drummer and sometimes outlaw.

Greene indicates that he witnessed the killing of Ringo, but like Paul, mystery surrounds that claim. Is the man presenting himself as Ringo the real Richard Starkey?


Things in this blog represented to be fact, may or may not actually be true. The writer is frequently wrong, sometimes just full of it, but always judgmental and cranky

I spent the day with both of my little hooligans. Bowling, lunch, Dairy Queen, the usual stuff. My failings in grandparenting included a lack of video game playing and an unwillingness to take them to play basketball at a nearby gym.

Here's a tip for better living. Buying kids ice cream when it is 107 is not the best idea. I had to make an emergency stop at a convenience store to get a cup to hold a rapidly deteriorating cone.

Aiden has been staying with me these past few Mondays. He goes to a school district that is year around, with short breaks from time to time. He starts the first grade next Monday. He is lucky to be in a good school district, rather than the abysmal Hooterville Unified School District (HUSD).

Noah will be starting kindergarten on August 17th, I think. He will be attending a HUSD elementary school, but it is one of the good ones, on the fringe of the district.
By the time he gets to middle school, his folks will have to get him out of the district, too.











Things in this blog represented to be fact, may or may not actually be true. The writer is frequently wrong, sometimes just full of it, but always judgmental and cranky

I'm not kidding. Frickin' 108.5 was the high today at our house. This picture of my digital thermometer was taken after it cooled off to 108 even.

Someday in the not too distant future, I intend to spend the summer somewhere cool.

Things in this blog represented to be fact, may or may not actually be true. The writer is frequently wrong, sometimes just full of it, but always judgmental and cranky

If by hot you mean 105, then yes, it was hot today.

It was not nearly as hot as the forecast issued a day or two ago. I heard one of the local weather guys talking about 112 today, and the paper was predicting 110.

Have you ever noticed that you only really hear a couple of parts of the weather report, even though the weather guys drone on and on?

"Blah, blah, blah, 110 Saturday, blah, blah, blah, 10 percent chance of rain, blah, blah, blah..." I occasionally hear something about high or low pressure and clockwise or counter clockwise, but what that has to do with our weather I neither care about nor understand.

So maybe our high pressure was lower than expected or vice-versa, or something. All I know is that it wasn't 110 or 112, which is good enough for me.

Young Noah has returned from his tour of the national parks for the West. He was gone two weeks and a day. He said he had a good time, but the trip was too short. His poor dad broke two ribs in a fall, but will be okay.

This afternoon, Mrs. Sneed, Noah and I went to see ICE AGE: DAWN OF THE DINOSAURS, the latest and greatest in kids movies.



Did I mention that it was in 3D?




Things in this blog represented to be fact, may or may not actually be true. The writer is frequently wrong, sometimes just full of it, but always judgmental and cranky

Speaking of ghosts, the Hooterville SWAT team was summoned to a house on the far East side yesterday. A concerned citizen reported that a possibly armed, but definitely disturbed person was inside.

For four hours there was a tense standoff. Repeated attempts to make contact with the occupant of the house were unsuccessful. Finally, around noon, the police stormed the premises and discovered that the house was unoccupied.

Ghost?





Things in this blog represented to be fact, may or may not actually be true. The writer is frequently wrong, sometimes just full of it, but always judgmental and cranky

We all have things that we believe in or don't believe in. My dermatologist, Dr. Smartypants for instance, doesn't believe in cortisone flare.

What is cortisone flare, you might ask? It is a temporary inflammation, of a joint following a cortisone injection. Google "cortisone flare" and you get over 43,000 hits, many by actual licensed doctors.

Evidently, Dr. Smartypants doesn't do Google.

I suffer from a skin condition called Prurigo Nodularis, or PN for short. Basically, I get small itchy nodules on my arms and hands. Believe you me when I tell you it is every bit as sexy as it sounds.

In fact, young women will frequently come into the store and ask to see the PN dude. Then, I'm forced to try to do my work with a bevy of giggling admirers following me around.



This is not my actual arm, but is a good representation of a PN nodule.

But back to Dr. Smartypants, Cortisone Flare Denier, M.D.

Once a month, I go in to see Dr. Smartypants and receive a bunch of cortisone injections. If you have never had shots in you hands, you don't know what you are missing. The shots in the arms are not so bad, but the hands, jeezaloo, they hurt.

Anyway, most months I get the cortisone reaction to the shots in the form of swelling and pain, in or near a joint.

A week ago I got a shot in my right index finger's knuckle and it has swelled up like a sumabitch. A week later, it is still painful and swollen.

As Humphrey Bogart might have said, had he suffered from a condition requiring cortisone injections, "Of all the shots, in all the joints, in all my life, this one was the worst."

Of course, it is all in my mind.










Things in this blog represented to be fact, may or may not actually be true. The writer is frequently wrong, sometimes just full of it, but always judgmental and cranky

I hope your long weekend was fun.

You may recall, I was working on the 4th at the hardware store. We did close at 4pm, rather than the usual 6. I normally work until 1pm on Saturdays, but the boss and another full-time guy decided to use vacation time to get the 4th off, so the poor part-time schmuck was stuck until 4.

Some might say I brought it on myself, so what can do?

A reasonable person might ask why we didn't just close, since business is always slower than slow on the holidays? Lots of customers mentioned it on Saturday. The fact is that it is cheaper to stay open than to close. Close and everyone get a paid holiday. Stay open and the paltry trickle of business at least pays the payroll.



If you live in New York or Washington or L.A., you are probably accustomed to meeting the rich and famous.

Maybe, you are walking down the street in Santa Monica and recognize a guy headed your way. You pass and give him a "Hey Brad, how are the kids?"

Or maybe you are picking up a few items at the grocery and the President is in line behind you. That sort of thing.

Here in Hooterville, it doesn't happen that much.

A guy at a hardware store on the far east side of town claims to have sold some nuts and bolts to Paul McCartney. Paul used to and may still have a mansion out that way, so I suppose it could be true.

Linda Rondstat used to live in a big old swanky joint in midtown, but she got pissed about something and move to SF. She grew up here and went to Catalina H.S.

Diana Ross famously and inexplicably got busted for DUI just a couple of miles from Casa Sneed.

Johnny Lee, who played the character Algonquin J. Calhoun on the old Amos and Andy show, came to my house with my dad when I was about 13. Don't ask me why.

One time I gave Father Daniel Berrigan a ride to the airport. If you are old enough you will remember that Frs. Daniel and Phillip Berrigan were on the FBI Ten Most Wanted List in 1970, for their anti-Vietnam activities.

We just chatted and talked about Hooterville. Father Daniel's major comment was about the local power plant. He was concerned that it might be nuclear powered. It isn't.

Lee Marvin used to live here, before his unfortunate death. I was stopped at a traffic light one day and he rolled up next to me in an old pick up. He looked at me and I at him. We each gave a knowing nod and off he went. Except for the part where I stuck my head out the window and yelled, "Hey! It's Lee Marvin!"

Then the was the time that the lovely Mrs. Sneed and I met Kris Kristofferson at the MDA telethon. That was in the days before we came to hate Jerry and his kids. Jerry more so than the kids.

We were manning the phones and Mrs. Sneed got Kristofferson's attention by melodically blurting out, "Yoo Hoo, oh, Kris Kristofferson." Someone on the phone was willing to pledge if Kris would say hello to him.

Yes, when it comes to celebrity sightings, the Sneeds are old hands.

Over the weekend, a somewhat famous former professional athlete came in to the store. I wasn't quite sure if he was the famous former professional athlete or just some other muscular, handsome guy.

The somewhat famous former professional athlete is not Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods or A-Rod famous. Just say he had a decade-long career with a famous American professional athletic team.

It finally dawned on me that this customer was the somewhat famous former professional athlete.

So, I asked him about it. What a smart guy would have said was, "Aren't you XXXX?"

What I did say was, "Should I know who you are?"

He said, "I don't know, should you?"

We finally got around to the part where he said he was him, but it took more back and forth than it should have. He left me with the impression that I should have minded my own business.

Guess so. But then, I've made an ass of myself in front of bigger guys than that.











Things in this blog represented to be fact, may or may not actually be true. The writer is frequently wrong, sometimes just full of it, but always judgmental and cranky

Perhaps you've heard of Pei Wei Asian Diner. It is owned by the PF Chang China Bistro people. Both companies are headquartered in Scottsdale, AZ., which I think we can all agree is the hotbed for Asian cuisine.

If you never heard of either, it doesn't matter because they are incidental to this story.

I love to say ridiculous things, just to see what people will say. I especially love it when they take me seriously.

For instance, I used to work with a woman named Marie, who was one of the most earnest people I've ever met. She was as serious as a heart attack about life in general and her job in particular. Things were made better, because she was bitter that she was toiling her life away with losers like me, rather than being the titan of industry that she thought she deserved.

When I worked with Marie at Tedious Systems, I got a project to work on, for a new Pei Wei (pronounced Pay Way) location. I had never heard of Pei Wei before that. I happened to mention to someone that I had this job to do and I mispronounced the name as Pee Wee, or something.

Poor Marie came into my cubicle and solemnly told me that it was pronouncedPay Way's Asian Diner, not Pee Wee. Marie was forever trying to save me from my ignorant hill billy roots and didn't want me embarrassing myself or Tedious. Why, I can't imagine.

From that day forward, at least until she gave me up as hopeless, I made it a point to mangle the name at every opportunity. I manufactured opportunities to do it. Pee Wee's Oriental Grill was my favorite mangle. For about the first twenty-five times Marie patiently corrected me, though.

Two bits of hardware news.

One, my arch nemesis, "Double Starbucks Mocha, Don't F*ck with My Break", quit today. She is moving to a state far, far away to get married. Her marriage gives hope to bridge trolls everywhere.

Secondly, a guy called the store this morning to complain that we had overcharged him for something. I took the call.

He told me that he was reconciling his receipts this morning and he noticed that we charged him $1.99 for a irrigation part.

As a side note, if you sit at home, gathering all your receipts together, in order to check them for errors, you need a hobby.

Anyway, the guy wanted me to double check the price he paid. I did and told him it was right. This is what followed.

Him: $1.99? That's almost twice what I paid for the same thing at Home Depot yesterday.

Me: Yeah, probably so.

Him: That's too much.

Me: Bring them back and we'll refund your money.

Him: I already used one.

Me: Too late now then.

Him: What are you going to do about it?

Me: Not much. Want to talk to the manager?

Him: No, but I'll never shop with you again.

Me: I'm sorry about that.


Him:

Here's a joke.

What's the difference between an Ace Hardware store and a Home Depot?

At Ace, there's no place for the employees to hide.

You can have the lowest price or the best service. You can't have both.

Things in this blog represented to be fact, may or may not actually be true. The writer is frequently wrong, sometimes just full of it, but always judgmental and cranky

Thursday is golf day, as readers know. We were out early this morning. In addition to the usual suspects, Aiden came along.

The weather was hot and really humid. We've had rain the past few evenings and heat and wet grass make an uncomfortable combination. Aiden was a trooper though.

We called his dad on the 16th hole to give a progress report and his dad asked if he was getting tired of golf yet? The kid said, and I am not making this up, "I was tired of it a long time ago." And yet, when we were done, he asked if we could play some more.

We had lunch with the Seafood King and Some Guy Named Bob and then came home and watched the movie The Sandlot. One of us tried to take a nap on the couch and the other kept saying, "Grandpa, wake up."

A fun time was had by all, though.

While were having a bite to eat tonight, I was noticing the large number of people at the bus stop in front of the restaurant. It was raining.

Public transportation in Hooterville is not like the places you all live. People who ride the bus in Hooterville do it as a last resort. Poor people ride the bus and that is about it.

I'm always amazed by the general public's grumbling about operating the bus system. For the people who ride the bus here, it is a life-saver. Our civic duty is to provide a minimal level of support to everyone and the bus is a part of that.




Things in this blog represented to be fact, may or may not actually be true. The writer is frequently wrong, sometimes just full of it, but always judgmental and cranky